I am a nanny, and I have suicidal thoughts (also referred to as suicidal feelings).
It’s not something that you really want to say out loud but as it’s Time
To Talk, let’s do this.
I can feel you judging me already. “She shouldn’t be around kids”, “I wouldn’t want her looking after my children” or there’s the ones who think “ugh, she just wants attention.”
What are your initial thoughts having read this statement? Let me know. Let’s talk. Be honest.
Having suicidal feelings does not mean I want to kill myself.
It’s a hard thing to admit as often people don’t know how to react. They judge, or worry you’ll hurt them or others, think it’s for show or because it’s ‘on trend’, or maybe pretend like you never said anything at all. Suicidal feelings do not make you want to hurt others either, you’re not suddenly an axe wielding murderer and you’re not any less of a nanny.
Suicidal feelings can affect anyone, of any age, gender or background, at any time. If you are feeling suicidal it is likely that you have been experiencing a growing sense of hopelessness and worthlessness for some time. You may not know what has caused you to feel this way but it is often a combination of factors.
For me, suicidal feelings is part of my depression and anxiety. Other reasons may range from bullying or discrimination, to abuse, or money problems as well as many other contributing factors.
This is something I can only share my personal experience on, everyone’s experience will be unique.
For me, when I wake up in the morning my first thought is “I want to die”. Honestly, I don’t really want to die, but there’s just this voice in my head that tells me it every day. Those lovely moments of peace and relaxation you have, I don’t. I have thoughts I don’t want to have. When driving alone, I will have thoughts of crashing. When waiting for trains, I’ll think about jumping in front of them. I won’t though. I fight these thoughts everyday, and I fight hard. It’s exhausting. Sometimes I become withdrawn, and it’s hard to make time for self care.
When I’m alone, it’s hard to complete simple tasks such as getting out of bed, having a shower and even eating. I become easily overwhelmed by negative thoughts and tearful as well as oversleeping. I often have low self-esteem and no desire to look after myself. I find it hard sometimes not to take everything personally, I feel like whatever I say is wrong, that everyone’s having a go at me and I’m never good enough. I strive for perfection.
When I go to work, I have a purpose. I can love, teach and care for children and give them everything I have to give. They are safe in my care and I am always looking out for their wellbeing.
I have a great relationship with my employer and clients, and they know about my mental health and do everything they can to support me.
It doesn’t have to be anything to be ashamed of.
One in four people experience mental health problems at some point in their lives. If you notice your friend is a bit down, let them know you’re there for them.
If you’re having suicidal feelings and don’t feel you can keep yourself safe right now, seek immediate help:
Go to any hospital A&E department (sometimes known as the emergency department)
Call 999 and ask for an ambulance if you can't get to A&E
Ask someone else to contact 999 for you or take you to A&E immediately
If you need some support right now, but don't want to go to A&E, here are some other options for you to try:
Contact the Samaritans on freephone 116 123, they're open 24 hours and are there to listen
Contact your GP for an emergency appointment or the out of hours team
call NHS 111 (England) or NHS Direct 0845 46 47 (Wales)
Contact your local crisis team